Chess Fight!

Allow me, if I may, to set the scene. It's Friday night. I've made some new friends who are interested in playing chess and darts, and they tell me to come back to the bar when there's no karaoke so we can play. So the next night, I load up my board and walk down. It's empty except for my new friends and a few overweight bar patrons. I get a beer and play a few games of darts before breaking out the chessboard. My new friend Benki (indian, mustachioed, slight of build), and overweight bar patron, Gary (pale, hefty, and who's face, whether from excessive consumption of alcohol or some unfortunate genetic condition, was stained a light red) start a game, with me watching in between turns at darts. The game started off innocuously enough (Queen's Gambit Declined-Slav Defense), and after some truly mediocre play, black (Benki) had a strong attack on the queenside. Now at one point, Gary had a chance to capture a pawn en passant, but declined, and since it was unclear at that point whether or not the e.p. capture resulted in an immediate advantage, I pushed it out of my mind and continued watching and playing darts. Benki ended up winning, at which point Gary came over to me and asked me if I wanted a game. I accepted (I was, afterall, there to play chess), and we sat down to play.
I drew white, and began my game as I begin 90% of my games: 1. d4. I had just seen Gary play a queen's pawn game, so I knew that he was comfortable in the opening, but I play a strange line in Q.P. games: The Trompowsky Attack (1.d4 Nf6 2. Bg5?!). I've played the line enough so if played any of the common lines (2. ...e6, 2. ... Nd4, and 2. ...d6) I could respond to make my game playable.

Gary followed suit with 1. ...Nf6 (King's Indian) and I played 2. Bg5. Gary snorted, as if to imply that I was foolish and that this wasn't how the King's Indian was played. I completely understood that, and in fact, I use the Trompowsky against stronger opponents specifically because I play poorly against the King's Indian. Instead of any of the common lines, he played 2. ...a6, attacking my bishop. Well, there's a reason why this response never caught on and it's because of 3. Bxf6 exf6. Now black's kingside pawn structure is crippled, and white has gained a tempo.

I developed normally now, always keeping an eye on the pawn on f6. The game played on normally, with me maintaining my slight advantage, about which Gary seemed obvlivious. He would talk about my moves loudly, telling me exactly what I was doing wrong. He seemed proud of himself that he saw that I offered to exhange queens.

"Are you sure you want to do that? I mean, we can dance if you want," he said when I offered the exchange.

Things were nearing the end, when suddenly, the fireworks.

I pushed a pawn onto the 6th rank, and he moved an adjacent pawn to the sixth rank as well, leaving me the option of capturing en passant. In this case, it would be immediately advantageous for me to do so, so I quickly made the capture, as it happened, while Gary hadn't been looking at the board. He resumed his attention on the pieces and was taken aback. He quickly reached for the peice I had taken off the board and put it back on the square it had been removed from.

"I moved it here," he said, pointing to b5, "not here," pointing to b6, where my pawn stood. He flicked my pawn out of the way. "Nice try," he added.

"No, I know where you moved it, I captured en passant," making sure to put some extra French accent onto it. I have respect for all my opponents, but if they accuse me of cheating, it gets under my skin.

He was confused. "What are you talking about? You can't take it, it was next to your pawn. Pawns don't capture like that, son."

Again with the condescending tone, and an implicit accusation that I DON'T KNOW ONE OF THE MOST BASIC RULES OF THE GAME. One of the first things you learn is how pawns capture.

"No, I understand," I continued, calmly, "I captured en passant." Even more French accent this time.

At this point, I knew that he didn't have any idea what an en passant capture was, but as he had been bragging the entire game about how long he had been playing chess, I figured I'd make him back it up. If he had been playing for 20 years, there's no way he wouldn't have known about en passant.

"No, no, no," he continuted, condescingingly, "you don't understand..." at which point I had to interrupt.

"Wait, you do know what an en passant capture is, right?" with a hint of the same condescent that he had been giving me.

It was clearly the wrong thing to say.

Gary looked at me, then at the board, then he swung.

I threw myself back in my chair hard enough to make it fall backwards, with Gary's fist just missing my face. I slammed onto the ground and Gary, despite his heft, had cleared the table in a split second and was ready to pounce. Kenny, the behemoth of a bar manager, caught him practically in mid-air and threw him against the wall. Benki and another man were immediately at my side, helping me up, thinking that Gary had connected and that was why I had fallen back. They repeatedly asked me if I were okay, incredulous that my nose wasn't broken or bleeding. It took a few minutes for me to explain to them that I had pushed the chair over myself. Kenny, meanwhile, took Gary outside, amidst his curses and threats of physical harm. Benki told me that I should probably leave. I happily wrote "1-0" in my notebook, packed up my things, and left.



I had heard a joke about not capturing en passant unless you wanted to start a fight. Well, I thought it had been a joke...